Before It’s Too Late, Former Friends Edition

I wish people could know that the reason I’m “so quiet” at first and for awhile before warming up to people is that I can get real hot, real fast, setting things on fire and burning them down.

Of course, the burning to rubble and ashes isn’t immediate, but it happens rather fast, snowballing quicker, it seems, than the warming-up process.

It’s not like I had intended on burning and ruining things.

It’s just kinda what I do. And I wish I could stop it, change me, change how I respond to people, change different factors before it’s too late.

Except once my mouth starts running, it’s hard to get it to stop. And then the blaze is started on its horrific path of destruction, ruining every chance at normal interactions with humans pretty much for good.

And then when the fire is out and over, words of apology are as empty as the friendship / relationship has become.

The strange thing is I’m afraid of fires and flames for other reasons, but mostly because I know how much they hurt.

You’d think I’d know how to avoid starting them, then, wouldn’t I?

Other parts of me think that it’s a lie that I didn’t intend to start them.

Maybe subconsciously I start them to have a legitimate reason for the friendship to end, rather than dealing with the different, yet equally painful slow-fade.

Anyways, I sometimes want to answer new people I meet who ask, “Why are you so quiet?” with , “I don’t want people to know I’m a closet pyromaniac, of sorts”, just to warn them.

Instead, I sort of half laugh, half smile and hope they don’t find out how I’ve started so many burning fires and ruined so many relationships.



What Hurts the Most

You know that feeling when you get those nervous butterflies in your stomach around that certain someone?   You know the one I’m talking about.  And, if you say you don’t, you’re lying.  Coupled with that is shortened breath, pinkening cheeks, and a quickened pulse. You can’t stop thinking about him/her, and you can’t get over the fact how much you enjoy being with this person.

That pretty much means you’ve got the hots for someone.  The love bug has struck, or Cupid has shot you with his arrow.

Love is a terribly confusing, sad, crazy, and yet joyful emotion.

But, what hurts is when the person you have feelings for doesn’t reciprocate.  You care about him, but he doesn’t care about you in the same way.  He’s nice…but nice to everyone. He talks and smiles at you but about nothing of deep substance or meaning.  He never asks you for your number or asks if you’re doing anything later because he’s free. You want to be close to him, but you know he doesn’t want to be.

And, what really hurts is when no remotely-attractive guy ever asks you any of those things.  You’re called cute, as in little girl cute.  You’re called innocent and sheltered.  And, no guy ever gives you a second glance or the time of day. Add insult to injury, you’ve been single forever. You’ve never had a boy tell you that he loves you and enjoys being with you.   You’re “too nice”, “too shy”, and “cute”, but not hot, beautiful, or pretty.  You’re just an average, ordinary, miniscule female who’s neither completely rejected, yet neither embraced and adored by society.

I’d love to know what I have to do right in order for a relationship to happen.

Sometimes I wish I weren’t me and were someone else who were loved.

It’s times like these I ask God why.  I know I need to trust you, Lord.

But, it hurts.  It really does.  😥