I wish people could know that the reason I’m “so quiet” at first and for awhile before warming up to people is that I can get real hot, real fast, setting things on fire and burning them down.
Of course, the burning to rubble and ashes isn’t immediate, but it happens rather fast, snowballing quicker, it seems, than the warming-up process.
It’s not like I had intended on burning and ruining things.
It’s just kinda what I do. And I wish I could stop it, change me, change how I respond to people, change different factors before it’s too late.
Except once my mouth starts running, it’s hard to get it to stop. And then the blaze is started on its horrific path of destruction, ruining every chance at normal interactions with humans pretty much for good.
And then when the fire is out and over, words of apology are as empty as the friendship / relationship has become.
The strange thing is I’m afraid of fires and flames for other reasons, but mostly because I know how much they hurt.
You’d think I’d know how to avoid starting them, then, wouldn’t I?
Other parts of me think that it’s a lie that I didn’t intend to start them.
Maybe subconsciously I start them to have a legitimate reason for the friendship to end, rather than dealing with the different, yet equally painful slow-fade.
Anyways, I sometimes want to answer new people I meet who ask, “Why are you so quiet?” with , “I don’t want people to know I’m a closet pyromaniac, of sorts”, just to warn them.
Instead, I sort of half laugh, half smile and hope they don’t find out how I’ve started so many burning fires and ruined so many relationships.