A Warzone

 

Utter pain and sadness

Increasingly building, mounting, rising

Attempting to shove down any existing progress

Of change or traces of happiness, and joy..

Of love for others and for oneself

And ultimately for Christ

Back to the confines of “Unworking Ideologies”,

Back to the heap of “Noble Yet Stupid Ways to Live One’s Life”,

Only to be replaced by bitterness, jealousy, strife

Pride, condescension, stubbornness,

Hate.

Attempting to validate these emotions

With lies, twistings of truth,

And the constant reminder of,

“BUT YOU HURT. IT’S OKAY.”

Filling the void, the sadness, and covering

The pain with more fillers

That fuel the vicious cycle.

Ever inching you to a person you

Don’t even recognized anymore.

“What have I become?”,

You wonder.

“Who taught me to be this way?”

“Who did I listen to so closely or

Not closely enough to end up here?”

And then from voices all around

And within, you realize that the

Only common factor of the

Clamoring within your heart,

With others, with friends, fake and

real, with coworkers, with managers,

With family members and customers,

The only person around in all of those

Interactions was

You.

The tears stream from your

Face, as your mind and heart

Finally meet up at reality.

You are slammed with the

Realization that your life is

Spiraling out of control

Because it’s a life you

Have created.

You cry and cry because

You realize how messed up

You are and have become.

How you have turned into

A monster you would never

Want to meet.

How your assertiveness

Has crossed the line over

To aggressiveness.

How your disrespectful attitude

About yourself has poured over

And been thrown onto others.

The resounding fear echoes through

Your mind:

What if I am too unlovely to be

Loved? 

I don’t deserve happiness because

I’ve poured out anger and hate onto 

Others. I’m a mess, a wreck,

And I’m most certainly too far

Gone.

Then you try to get your life back

Together.

You try to be a little quieter, hold

Back in certain areas,

Work harder.

Pray more.

But you always end up failing.

Once your mouth opened, after

Years of staying quiet, it’s

Hard to keep it shut.

Once you start talking, your

One-track-mind slips off track

Again and your work productivity

Plummets.

You become known for being

“Crazy”, “psycho”,

“Funny”, “lazy”, and “disrespectful”.

Wait, what?

You shake your head and read the

Words again.

Yes, you read that right.

And deep down inside you can

See how the description fits.

You know full well that people

Call you that and at first you

Don’t want to believe it, so

You protest the descriptions.

Then reality smacks you back

Into line.

And you know that no

Matter how hard you

Try,

You can’t live it

Down.

And you find it

Even harder

To change.

So you don’t.

And the cycle continues.

You’re not addicted to

The vices, such as gambling,

Porn, alcohol, or drugs.

You wouldn’t touch those

Things with a ten foot pole.

(You’re already crazy

Enough. Who needs to see you

Crazier?)

But you’re addicted to

Something much, much worse.

In fact, many things.

You’re addicted to your love

For self. You’re addicted to

Defending, protecting, and

Building up walls, defenses,

And your reputation, even

To the point of deceiving people

Into thinking you’re something

You’re not.

You’re addicted to people–

You love to please them, and when

You can’t perform at the

Level you think they want you

To be performing at,

You please them by giving them

Something to shame and gawk at.

You feel that if you can’t be in the center

Of attention for

Their words of accolade, you’ll be

In the forefronts of their minds

For failing.

You want to be known for something,

At least.

It’s slightly masochistic, and that’s okay,

You rationalize.

Because you learned years ago and know

You cannot meet others’

expecations, you now don’t even try.

You’re addicted to failure

Because it’s easier than

Working hard to produce

Change and success.

You’re addicted, thus, to

A lack of change.

It’s so much safer and

Easier, and it doesn’t

Provide much boat-rocking–

Until it does.

And when it does,

You secretly like that, too.

You’re addicted to loving

Things you know you

Shouldn’t or loving things

You cannot have.

You’re addicted to chaos,

Struggles, discord, and animosity

Because it’s what you have known

And dealt with inside and outside for

Two decades and then some.

You’re addicted to hating others and

Hurting others, as well as yourself

Because you really haven’t been shown or

Taught any other way.

You don’t see how anyone can love

You, especially when you don’t

Love yourself.

And when people do come into

Your life offering an extended hand,

You know too well it’s too good to be

True because everyone always ends up

Leaving anyways.

So you push others away or

You do something to cause the cutoff

Or slow fade, so you have a valid

Reason for why it would’t work out.

You keep going back to things you hate

Because you love to hate them.

And the cycle of misery continues on.

When will it end?

At what point will you invite change and freshness,

Positive attitudes, hard work, compromise,

Gentleness, LOVE,

Into your life and into the lives of

Those around you?

Of course, the demons of the present and past,

The fears that the future may hold, the enemy

Who wants to strip every bit of happiness

From you says that it doesn’t matter.

Change doesn’t matter and is good for nothing.

But just remember that he’s the one who

Has been fueling the lack of change

For several years now.

It’s hard, but it can be done.

And just remember you can’t break the cycle,

But Someone can.

And that alone is the only consoling thought

Amidst all this utter pain and sadness.

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