Utter pain and sadness
Increasingly building, mounting, rising
Attempting to shove down any existing progress
Of change or traces of happiness, and joy..
Of love for others and for oneself
And ultimately for Christ
Back to the confines of “Unworking Ideologies”,
Back to the heap of “Noble Yet Stupid Ways to Live One’s Life”,
Only to be replaced by bitterness, jealousy, strife
Pride, condescension, stubbornness,
Attempting to validate these emotions
With lies, twistings of truth,
And the constant reminder of,
“BUT YOU HURT. IT’S OKAY.”
Filling the void, the sadness, and covering
The pain with more fillers
That fuel the vicious cycle.
Ever inching you to a person you
Don’t even recognized anymore.
“What have I become?”,
“Who taught me to be this way?”
“Who did I listen to so closely or
Not closely enough to end up here?”
And then from voices all around
And within, you realize that the
Only common factor of the
Clamoring within your heart,
With others, with friends, fake and
real, with coworkers, with managers,
With family members and customers,
The only person around in all of those
The tears stream from your
Face, as your mind and heart
Finally meet up at reality.
You are slammed with the
Realization that your life is
Spiraling out of control
Because it’s a life you
You cry and cry because
You realize how messed up
You are and have become.
How you have turned into
A monster you would never
Want to meet.
How your assertiveness
Has crossed the line over
How your disrespectful attitude
About yourself has poured over
And been thrown onto others.
The resounding fear echoes through
What if I am too unlovely to be
I don’t deserve happiness because
I’ve poured out anger and hate onto
Others. I’m a mess, a wreck,
And I’m most certainly too far
Then you try to get your life back
You try to be a little quieter, hold
Back in certain areas,
But you always end up failing.
Once your mouth opened, after
Years of staying quiet, it’s
Hard to keep it shut.
Once you start talking, your
One-track-mind slips off track
Again and your work productivity
You become known for being
“Funny”, “lazy”, and “disrespectful”.
You shake your head and read the
Yes, you read that right.
And deep down inside you can
See how the description fits.
You know full well that people
Call you that and at first you
Don’t want to believe it, so
You protest the descriptions.
Then reality smacks you back
And you know that no
Matter how hard you
You can’t live it
And you find it
So you don’t.
And the cycle continues.
You’re not addicted to
The vices, such as gambling,
Porn, alcohol, or drugs.
You wouldn’t touch those
Things with a ten foot pole.
(You’re already crazy
Enough. Who needs to see you
But you’re addicted to
Something much, much worse.
In fact, many things.
You’re addicted to your love
For self. You’re addicted to
Defending, protecting, and
Building up walls, defenses,
And your reputation, even
To the point of deceiving people
Into thinking you’re something
You’re addicted to people–
You love to please them, and when
You can’t perform at the
Level you think they want you
To be performing at,
You please them by giving them
Something to shame and gawk at.
You feel that if you can’t be in the center
Of attention for
Their words of accolade, you’ll be
In the forefronts of their minds
You want to be known for something,
It’s slightly masochistic, and that’s okay,
Because you learned years ago and know
You cannot meet others’
expecations, you now don’t even try.
You’re addicted to failure
Because it’s easier than
Working hard to produce
Change and success.
You’re addicted, thus, to
A lack of change.
It’s so much safer and
Easier, and it doesn’t
Provide much boat-rocking–
Until it does.
And when it does,
You secretly like that, too.
You’re addicted to loving
Things you know you
Shouldn’t or loving things
You cannot have.
You’re addicted to chaos,
Struggles, discord, and animosity
Because it’s what you have known
And dealt with inside and outside for
Two decades and then some.
You’re addicted to hating others and
Hurting others, as well as yourself
Because you really haven’t been shown or
Taught any other way.
You don’t see how anyone can love
You, especially when you don’t
And when people do come into
Your life offering an extended hand,
You know too well it’s too good to be
True because everyone always ends up
So you push others away or
You do something to cause the cutoff
Or slow fade, so you have a valid
Reason for why it would’t work out.
You keep going back to things you hate
Because you love to hate them.
And the cycle of misery continues on.
When will it end?
At what point will you invite change and freshness,
Positive attitudes, hard work, compromise,
Into your life and into the lives of
Those around you?
Of course, the demons of the present and past,
The fears that the future may hold, the enemy
Who wants to strip every bit of happiness
From you says that it doesn’t matter.
Change doesn’t matter and is good for nothing.
But just remember that he’s the one who
Has been fueling the lack of change
For several years now.
It’s hard, but it can be done.
And just remember you can’t break the cycle,
But Someone can.
And that alone is the only consoling thought
Amidst all this utter pain and sadness.